I have no money, yesterday my car failed its MOT and the day before, I finally split with my love, despite having had a really wonderful Christmas together. A couple of days later I found out just where I stood on her personal heirarchy (below something just as organic as me, even less animate but far more destructive) and it wasn't worth fighting for promotion. I am extremely bitter and upset about it and my ability to trust people has taken a real hammering. You can look the other way if it seems too personal. She claimed the person she fell in love with doesn't exist. He does, he's exactly the same, just more cynical as a sadder and more violent world unwrapped itself over the last decade. Unfortunately the person I fell in love with turned out to be a complete and utter fraud; a sham construct full of false artificially derived emotions. The unmasked reality became cold, distant and selfish, unable to understand the motivations and realities of a relationship. Time to call it a day.
I've been having therapy for a few weeks now and I've been taking happy pills. It actually transpires there's very little wrong with me that's unusual, just a rapidly diminishing capacity for dealing with being let down, dating from a couple of decades ago. I'm clinically depressed but I'm not a danger to myself or the community at large (you get assessed. Health and Safety). I did harm myself the other day but I was slicing an apple at the time.
However, there is always an upside - some people are worse off than me. I was woken this morning by my best, and most lovely of friends, AJ (whom I've known for exactly half my life as of today) "singing" Happy Birthday down the phone at me. She then went on to tell me that after nearly 47 years she's discovered one of her lady bumps is much bigger than the other (I could have told her that decades ago but I'm a gentleman) and that M & S don't make bras to fit them. Also, that because of a fractured elbow (incurred while slipping on ice during a previous phone call to me a couple of weeks ago) preventing her from driving to her parents for dinner, her entire Christmas day nourishment consisted of a Fry's chocolate bar. I actually thought she'd said fried chocolate bar but that would have been too much effort. We laughed heartily, our respective woes disappearing in the beauty and trust of a friendship that has never wavered.
(The title refers to a joke AJ and I have been running since we first met. When our respective domestic goings got particularly tough, we would make plans. It eventually came down to just picking the phone up, saying Singapore and spending the next two hours in the pub).