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I think I may have inadvertently hit upon the malaise that is currently affecting the country and causing disaffected hordes of university lecturers and other so-called "professionals" to take to the streets in order to trash the local Body Shop for a lifetime's supply of jojoba and hemp arse butter. The Harridan and I have suffered a repeated and relentless attack of this over the past few weeks and it is quite obviously a sickness eating deep into society's very heart and everyone who has ever bought anything has been affected by it to the point where they almost certainly never want to actually buy anything again. Ever. So...

A) You have recently suffered some civil disturbance. On a scale of 1 to 5 where 1 is Very Inconvenient and 5 is I hardly notice the bruises, can you rate your experience of your local riot?

B) Where 1 is No damage and 5 is Razed to the ground how do you rate the damage to your property?

C) Have you been financially affected by the troubles? 1) No 2) My shoes were damaged by petrol from a Molotov cocktail and I have had to replace them C) The insurance on my business ran out yesterday and I've just about been struggling by in the recession. I have enough left for a half bottle of Spar whisky and box of generic paracetomols.

D) How was your trip to and from work affected? A) No problems B) Slight diversion C) My office was burned down so I didn't bother D) I am in hospital because my car was overturned by hoodies

D) You are in receipt of some stolen goods but the remote control is missing. Do you A) complain to Currys? B) Go to a boot market on Sunday and hope to pick one up from the bloke with the dodgy copies of Office 2010 and the adult DVDs? C) Hope there's another riot so you can complete your purchase

We will shortly be in touch with you to assess your views on our customer services department and a further survey about this survey. Have a nice day.