Wednesday, October 04, 2006


On Sunday we passed through Biddenden and stopped off for a pint in the Red Lion. Actually we stopped to use the lav but it was such a delightful hostelry, and one I haven't been in for decades, that leaving straight away wasn't an option. While there we both became intrigued by the menu board and decided we had to return. So earlier this evening we did. It was top-hole pub grub, nothing pretentious (the pub down the road is Michelin listed) and not at all expensive but it was very bloody nice. I had the Cumberland pork, served with a simple salad and the best chips I've eaten in years (which, I was later surprised to learn, were actually frozen with skins on, as I saw the landlord carrying a bag of them into the kitchen) and herself had the best beef stroganoff she'd ever tasted. It was very reasonable and with a huge slice of homemade apple pie and custard each afterwards it came to around £25. That wasn't the highlight though.

I went to relieve myself and spotted the prophylactic machine on the wall. This was no modern bells and whistles and blue flashing lights one, this was a local jonny machine for local people featuring a brand I'd not come across before (yes, I did really write that). And distinctly old. Although the coin slots enabled the use of pound coins, the varieties on sale told a different story. Plain and flavoured, that's it. And the flavours were lucky dip! There were at least 15 of them and there was no way of choosing. I only needed to read the first flavour though to hazard a guess that the machine probably hadn't been changed for many a year: lager and lime. This was a 70s letter box.

Lager and lime, eh? When was the last time you drank that, gels? For "one for the ladies" it certainly was. Obviously in an attempt to entice the reluctant fillies into sundry acts of depravity the manufacturers went for the popular drink of the day. I didn't look any further, this would write itself:

70s flavours, guaranteed to excite!

Sophisticated company? Get her in the mood with Cointreau or a lightly ribbed flesh coloured Cinzano Bianco!

Fancy something er...Caribbean? Get her limboing under your bar with a Malibu and orange.

Disco! Karaoke Rum and black flavour!

Off somewhere sunny from Luton? Don't forget to pack the Campari and Lemonade - no duty payable on these!

The Insurance Man calls - G and T and 20 Guards.

Special - Only available in student union bars - Snakebite. (Warning: guaranteed to reveal your lunch to your partner)

Having a few friends round for a party? Watney's Party Seven (Do NOT shake)

Grandad - get her going with a Nice Medium Dry Amontillado (Schooner size packs only)

One for the gentlemen - Babycham (extra tuff)

Grandma's favourite - Mackeson

Only at Christmas? Tempt her with a small Port and Lemon.

Woodpecker. Fnaar fnaar.

Away you go...

9 Vegetable peelings:

Blogger Cherrypie said...

Ha Ha! Make mine a Cherry B! ( do you think it stood for 'Blows'?)

But actually, flavoured? Girls, wuddya ever?

7:47 pm  
Anonymous Richard said...

I'm very disappointed. Where on earth is everyone?

9:44 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

Long Life lager for Great Grandma.

12:28 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

Pernod for sleeparounds.

Any seed...geddit?

Oh, please yerselves.

12:30 pm  
Anonymous Canute said...

You forgot Brandy and Babycham flavour.

Guaranteed to rot knicker elastic (if my memory of Girls of Kent is reliable)

3:16 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...


5:33 pm  
Anonymous Sharon J said...

Where are the snowball flavoured ones? You know I like snowball!!

7:58 pm  
Blogger krusty the baker said...

Re what CP says, well, girls, wouldya?

I got beaten to the Snowball, but can you still buy a Pony?

Top banana on the Gallagher campaign.

I've come across the idea that snails have homing instincts before, based on the idea that however often you throw them all out of your garden, the same damage gets done; I'd thought it was just natural migration, supply and demand and all that.

10:58 pm  
Anonymous Richard said...

Krusty - another interview download imminent

11:13 pm  

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