Thursday, April 06, 2006

Shaggy Dog


This is Poppy, our bitch. And yes, she is attempting congress with a piece of soft furnishing. I am not a dog person, never have been and don't profess to know much about them. Having known Poppy for the best part of 5 years now, I can't say my knowledge of canines has increased that much as she can by no stretch of anyone's imagination be considered normal. Sharon, on the other hand knows rather a lot, having owned and trained several of the things. For those that are interested, Poppy shares the genetic makeup of a Lakeland Terrier and a Jack Russell Terrier. There is possibly a large amount of something else in the mix; a large slice of Dundee cake maybe or even some Polyfilla. There is a definite influence of something that displays no capacity for intellectual reasoning on any level whatsoever behind those baby browns. As the saying goes, the lights are on but somebody else is feeding the cats.

However, the combination of Sharon's experience and my fierce intellect still has no answer to the question that raises its scruffy little urchin head above the parapet every six months or so namely why, in all that is sacred, does she spend several hours a day shagging a scatter cushion to destruction every time she's on heat? It appears this is a trait common to bitches even to the point that two bitches together will, in the absence of an inanimate substitute "get it on" in a "girl on girl" scenario. I do so hope I have not fired the imagination of the perverted web impresarios (oh yes - today, courtesy of AOL - no less - I have had a visitor seeking "stepdaughter wanking") who visit this site and that I will not now be deluged with Japanese spam displaying pictures of canine strap-ons. Her determination is quite staggering. She can do it for two hours at a stretch and she also knows no shame, putting on a floor show to delight our many visitors.

I will hasten to add that we do have a supply of ancient cushions should the gender exchange extend to the kind of secretion beloved of male fantasists everywhere (should teh interweb be believed). As yet, there has been no such traceable issuance. I really don't need to think about this much longer although I suspect several of you will now be engaged in either frantic research - don't bother, there isn't much to find - or thinking up some apt punnery for the commentary. Go on, do your worst.

4 Vegetable peelings:

Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

You asked for this. I know that what I am about to write is offensive, and that I am jeopardising the three months holiday that I was planning to spend with you this summer (vegan organic food only, please), but please, when using "she" please make sure that there is no ambiguity, and the reader is left with no doubt as to whether you are referring to the dog, or to Sharon.

6:44 am  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

This had crossed my mind several times while writing and is the reason why I incuded the photograph so as to leave the casual reader in no doubt from the off.

We've had a vegan stay before. She brought her own food, cooked it herself and allowed me to wash up. So kind.

10:20 am  
Blogger Sharon J said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! Me? Shag a cushion for two hours? You're having a tin bath!

10:27 am  
Blogger Aunty Marianne said...

Hello. Am new reader. Nice writing.

I wonder if Ariel Sharon shagged cushions?

11:13 am  

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