Saturday, June 17, 2006

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

The Scotsman has come to my rescue again with this.

The poor bird was poisoned to 'protect grouse'. Now, I may be remarkably dense at times but I thought the grouse's primary function was to remain largely unprotected, especially in a one sided fight with a group of bankers on team-building exercises or an ex-footballer wielding an over and under Purdey. What the gamekeeper really meant to say of course was that he was protecting his livelihood and his employer's investment. Somehow I cannot see him doing a HAL 9000 and sticking arsenic in the single malt come the Glorious 12th just so the wee birdies can have the run of the moor.

22 Vegetable peelings:

Blogger Cherrypie said...

The ironic thing is that the grouse probably wouldn't be there if it weren't for the wankers ( oops! I meant to spell that with a 'b').

I was in Scotland a few years ago, on one of the more remote islands, and they were still hanging birds on telegraph wires to scare others away.

Somehow you'd expect better of a race that gave you...erm...well I can't actually think of anything off the top of my head but I'm sure you get my drift x

10:04 pm  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Well, yes. But I suppose they had to come from somewhere originally. I don't think the grouse is a genetically engineered fowl is it?

The race that gave us ((thinks))...Billy Bremner and Graham Souness. No surprises then.

11:29 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

Killing birds to frighten off more birds.


7:16 am  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Doesn't it work like that? If I go near Tesco and see a load of bodies outside, I don't go in there either. I'm going to hang one from a Sky dish and see what happens.

12:02 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

Ok, that made me laugh, visualizing all the dead bodies piled up and keeping you out. Ha!

I think I shall pile dead bodies up over at my daughter's gym.

3:52 pm  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Pamela, I thought that piling up dead bodies outside a gym was already a well known American pasttime.

6:48 pm  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Hear that? The sound of envelopes being fearlessly pushed

7:58 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

No Vicus. You are somewhat misinformed. We pile the dead bodies in back of the gyms.

However, in my case, there will only be one dead body and I'm not sure I care where it lands.

You'll all write me in prison, right?

5:36 am  
Blogger Robert A. Swipe said...

This Scotsman, Richard - is he a friend of yours.......????

12:45 pm  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Robert, I've never met him but he writes a good newspaper website. I use it because it's not a load of pretentious and patronising wank like the Guardian's one or too stupid for words like the red-tops. Plus they have a hunt the haggis game in the winter that I'm kind of addicted to.

12:55 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

Hunt the haggis game???

That makes me ill just to contemplate.

10:54 pm  
Blogger jromer said...

the only two reasons i would ever have to hunt haggis would be:

1. to know where it actually is so as to run in the other direction.

2. to know where it actually is so as to place it in the bed of the guy pursuing pam's daughter (a horse's head is illegal)

8:43 am  
Blogger Pamela said...

Anna, if I didn't adore you before, I most certainly do now.

How about haggis and a red hot poker?

2:13 pm  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Unfortunately and like most game quarry, the haggis isn't fearsome or threatening. As they are indeed a fine delicacy (and not absolutely revolting like anchovies or full of bones like ortolan) they will probably be received and consumed willingly by the predatory priapist. I would suggest a tazer to the gonads: momentary exhiliration followed by an unpleasant burning smell.

3:44 pm  
Blogger jromer said...

or the equivalent:

endless loop of that wanker simon cowell

8:02 pm  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Yes, yes. 10/10 for context and accuracy. We'll have you swearing like a navvie by the end of the week.

10:22 pm  
Blogger Heather said...

"Cherrypie said...

Somehow you'd expect better of a race that gave you...erm...well I can't actually think of anything off the top of my head but I'm sure you get my drift"

Anesthesia, television, telephones, The Bank of England, The Steam Engine, thermos flask, The telegraph, Sociology, Pneumatic Tyres.

Just a few of the useful things that were brought to the world by Scotland.

I do agree the whole bird killing thing is ridiculous though.

1:06 am  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

Anaesthesia: They're still developing it in certain areas of Edinburgh and Glasgow now; Television: The wrong system; Telephones: Bell was Scots but worked in US; The Bank of England: Where again? The Steam Engine: I think I've got one in my Renault; The Thermos Flask: Tea full of glass - nice; The Telegraph: don't read it; sociology: had to develop that because of the problems caused by anaesthesia; I'll let you have the tyres.

1:28 am  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

The poetry of Burns (if that is not an oxymoron), midges, Andy Stewart, bagpipes. Yes, thank you Scotland. Can we just apologise to you for 2000 years of barbarity, and wipe the slate clean?
Can we just agree that the Duke of Cumberland and bonny (bon fucking ny?) Prince Charlie were both a pair of wankers and call it a draw?
Yes, I know you gave us tyres, and we used them to drive all over your landscape complaining about the weather, the midges and the cuisine, but can't we be friends?

6:34 am  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

I like haggis. And they did give us Alex Harvey, which more than makes up for Andy Stewart.

9:54 am  
Blogger jromer said...

answer to your question awhile back...bob sagat. and no you cannot get sued for recognizing people.

10:05 am  
Blogger Richard Seamon said...

No, I don't think he's known over here. I think it will only be a matter of time before lawyers realise they're missing out on a potential revenue stream.

(Apologies, this conversation has spread over from elsewhere. If you haven't got a clue then you're in good company)

10:18 am  

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