Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Bonzer

Hello and welcome to all my lovely new antipodean friends sent here on a pointless fact-finding tour by Tim Blair. I do like to stretch out the hand of friendship every now and again, and despite their sad tendency to moan about the very people who gave them such a decent start in life, even to Australians.

So as we're not overly used to strangers round here, I've asked some of my dearest friends to help out with the arrangements. Vicus, ask them if they would like some organic tea and Abernethy biscuits, if you would be so kind (but do keep an eye on the silverware, especially the sugar tongs). Dave, the Australians are often fine and pioneering doctors; you could engage them in some conversation regarding genito-urinary problems. Mark, you can take some souvenir snaps for them to take back and play them this to make them feel at home. Dyna can mix some cocktails (for the guests to drink, mind). I'm afraid I don't have any "tinnies" in my "eskie" but I could send Jed out on the moped for "a slab" from Bargain Booze. I'm not overly familiar with Australian "beer", do you think Harp Lager will do? I'm also sorry to inform you that I have run out of lavatory paper in the guest cloakroom but my newsagent, Mr Murdoch, himself an emigré from down under, has kindly let me have several copies of The Times for a bargain price as a stop gap. He says it's already full of crap but he said he's made his fortune from selling similar to people who don't need it. I apologise for the picture of Ricky Ponting on the back of the cloakroom door, I've found it can be helpful if you've been overdoing the eggs.

Anyway, enjoy your stay, do come again.

7 Vegetable peelings:

Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

I thought that Frank Ifield came from Coventry.
I should point out that the only Abernethy biscuits I would serve are purely vegan. These might cost a few pence more than those made with pig's arseholes and lamb snot that are the normal UK supermarket fare. I hope your budget stretches this far.

3:58 pm  
Blogger Richard said...

He did come from Coventry, emigrated when he was about 9 or 10 just after the war. Keep up.

I'll have a look and see if Aldi do them in their Arse-free range. What do reckon Hobnobs are made of then?

4:42 pm  
Blogger Murph said...

That must be why he sang the midlans version of "I remember yow".

6:03 pm  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Murph. That is a black country accent. Not all midlanders use it. It would be like saying that all dogs lick their balls.
Richard, have you been sucking penguins?

8:14 pm  
Blogger Richard said...

Only to get the chocolate off.

8:25 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

What a coincidence you should mention that Richard. You probably aren't aware, but I have had a few kidney stones recently, so if your visitors would like to gather round, I'm sure they'll all be aghast.

6:29 am  
Blogger Richard said...

Dave, I try not to listen to gossip and hearsay.

Anyway, it seems to have worked. This blog is now back to being read, quite literally when you think about it, by three men and a dog.

8:43 am  

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