Friday, January 09, 2009

Pariah, careful.

Yesterday I completed the process of removing myself from the ranks of the caring community. I am now officially Dole Scum. Thank you, taxpayers, in advance, for your increasing patience with my efforts at finding employment here in the sun-bleached tropical paradise that is Crewe. I promise not to waste any of the exchequer's contributions to my welfare on cigarettes, standing around in Betfred all afternoon, cheap sportswear, ready meals, kebabs or cheap narcotics. I warn you, I may, on occasion, reward my job-seeking efforts with one of Mr Wetherspoon's 99p refreshments although these will have to be strictly rationed, dole scum being assessed as having only 3/4 of the needs of someone claiming carer's allowance and income support. Apparently the food, water, petrol and energy we require in order to function is cheaper than anyone else's. Can someone inform the chancellor, we may be onto something.

19 Vegetable peelings:

Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Last time I went to the employment place in Crewe I was told that they were looking for someone "more seasoned and sensible". I was delighted. I hope the fuckers are still looking.

6:33 pm  
Blogger The Birdwatcher said...

Mrs BW tells me that the dole office in Buxton is getting more and more crowded. Lifestyle choices or the end result of Gordons little experiment? On another matter the cream of Crewe's Third team will be making their way over to Buxton tomorrow to be given a lesson in rugby! Hope it doesn't freeze tonight.

7:50 pm  
Blogger Mr Murph said...

Pariah Careful...I see what you did there Richard!

9:05 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

Good luck.

8:43 am  
Blogger Richard said...

Vicus, you are still mentioned of in hushed tones. "We can help everyone" they say, "But there was one..."

BW, are they sending the football or rugby team?

Murph, yes. I worked long and hard on that. Thank you.

Dave, thank you.

12:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Richard as you know one can dig all one likes and find themselves at the bottom of a bigger pit not at the top of the smaller one!What goes around comes around as they say- trouble is I have forgotten who "they are" eg who said it to begin with so I will not continue this and say go and walk tall and get a life which includes people who will support love and value you. Sometimes we have to be moved on and dig a little deeper into the pit ourselves don't we!

3:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give this number a call, 01270 211306, they maybe able to offer you a local and promising career.

6:53 pm  
Blogger The Birdwatcher said...

I the end it was frozen off. I hope they were sending their rugger team though.

9:54 pm  
Blogger Richard said...

Anonynous, your puerile sense of humour does you proud.

11:58 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For a man of your stature get yourself to Canal St, Manchester, there's plenty of work for you there Dick. Or try The KandiBar in Warrington.

1:19 pm  
Blogger Richard said...

I really haven't a clue what those places are so I've googled them. To the uninitiated, they're gay hang-outs. How original. I take it then that you're familiar with these places? Dear readers, this is presumably meant as an insult in which case I presume this sad individual is some kind of friend of Sharon's and thinks he or she is doing her a favour. She must be so proud. Carry on.

5:33 pm  
Anonymous Sharon said...

I can assure you nobody’s done me a favour by writing those comments. I know nothing about this, assuming it actually was written by one of my friends of course, which I doubt. Only one of them knows your blog address and that isn’t her writing style, as you well know. Neither does she have enough local knowledge to point you in those particular directions. Has it never occurred to you that there just may be people out there who aren’t connected to me but that aren’t overly keen on you? Please don’t make further presumptions about me and my friends, Richard, it really isn’t necessary.

8:39 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, now, I say old bean, oh no, now this just won't do, let's not be facetious about this, my endeavours are solely to help you find some honest and meaningful employment. I know, I know, there's no need, you are welcome and I am a gentleman. To cease your days of, 11.30am-roll-out-of-bed-turn the teasmaid off-dressing gown on-slippers on the wrong feet-into-kitchen-switch on kettle-scratch of the little general-a smiley yawn and maybe a little stretch of the arms-looks cold through the window into the garden-mental note to oneself I will repair that fence one day-I like my toast done on one side-peek at the Crewe Chronicle headline-leave the butter and milk out-and into the living room-backside down in armchair-a little sigh of pleasure-remote control in hand-careful not to spill that hot Earl Grey down your pyjamas-what's that, oh shit I'm sitting on my Sticky Fingers disc-oh damn I forgot the sugar-and with a flick off button number one on the remote with your buttery fingertip, hey presto, just in time for- Cash In The Attic, good old Cash In The Attic, the BBC really is a legitimate corp and worth every penny of my TV licence, I've changed my mind they're not theiving bastards after all, I've very kindly searched for employment for you. Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking, and you are absolutely right, you are so lucky that I found your page and that I am a very kind person to give up my time like this to try to help out.

My intensive search revealed that there are anumber of jobs in the area, as long as those whom seek are willing and able.

More for your career:
Competitive Wages,Flexible Schedules, Comprehensive training and career development, Weekly paycheck, 401(k) retirement plan available, Limited-benefit health plan available, Safe driver award program, Delivery reimbursement. Additional perks include: oil changes, gas coupons, Free Food and Beverage.
Does this look good to you? Don't hesitate, look it up

If that is not to your satisfaction, why not try this out, go on give it a go, it's local but be warned, it's not for the idle gent.

I've got more vacancies, I have a large amount between my ears but
I'll pop back soon and see how we're getting on. Ok, toodle pip and good luck,amicus.

12:59 am  
Blogger Richard said...

Sharon, I do know who you're thinking of but it certainly wasn't who I was. This prat doesn't realise I don't own a television or can afford to actually buy the Chronicle. Nor do I own a copy of Sticky Fingers, sit in an armchair or wear my pyjamas round the house because it's too bastard cold. Curiously my fence has a hole in it. However, they appear to be some kind of stalker and as I have their IP address and lots of other data about them besides, I will pass this on to the police if they continue to piss me off.

12:04 pm  
Anonymous Sharon said...

Richard, I hope at this point that you still don't think I have anything to do with this. Clearly this person knows you to a degree, although obviously not your habits when inside your house. The mention of toast done on one side and Earl Grey is kind of disconcerting - it seems they are actually trying to point you towards me and the friend I had in mind although I'm absolutely certain she wouldn't do this and I sure as hell wouldn't. If I had any idea who this was I'd tell them to stop beause this really isn't necessary sooooo....

Anonymous, if you are doing this as 'favour' to me, then pack it in because it's neither wanted nor needed. I can fight my own battles thank you very much!

1:21 pm  
Blogger Carol said...

I hope that isn't a referral to me, you should, after all know me better. To be perfectly honest, there is far too much shit going on in my life at the moment to involve myself with yours. Don't mean to be brutal but thats just how it is. I have no argument with you and I know a lot better than to 'stick up' for Sharon as she is more than capable of doing that for herself.

2:03 pm  
Blogger Carol said...

Anyway. I have a telly if you want it?

2:09 pm  
Blogger Richard said...

Sharon I never thought you had anything to do with it in the first place, definitely not your style.

Carol, no it wasn't you I was thinking of. And thanks for the offer but a) I've got nothing to put it on and b) I can't afford the licence.

3:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well it seems my generous nature has caused some upset, and all I was doing was steering the job seekers into employment and lifting the depressing atmosphere here. My kindness brought me nothing but insults. I guess some people have no sense of humour and
I will no longer offer my much sought after assistance.
I offer my wishes to you that you find the employment you seek, and that it arrives soon.
Maybe uninterestingly, I searched my ip address a few times on some finder sites and apparantly I am located in such places as Amersham (I actually had to google where that place is)and I'm in Norwich city, Watford,London, Marine, Hertford and Droylsden. I might complain to the police that someone has the cheek to think that I'd live in a dump like Marine. I'm also apparantly provided by BT, Three, Virgin and Sky broadband. I must have up to 500 GB download.
I actually reside in a place called Chorley, near Nantwich but I must confess to knowing the area around Gresty Rd, an Alexandra fan, don't know any Sharons or care where you reside. Crewe is a wonderful and exciting town, it has everything there that a man could wish for, even pariahs are catered for.

8:12 pm  

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