*Insert your own title here*

Some of my readers may, I am sure, already have strong opinions on this, but I think I am pretty certain, in my own mind, of the singular most pointless example of the application of SCIENCE to a non-existent problem. These.

Leaf blowers. Why? What, in all that is good in creation, is their use? Somebody tell me because I can't for the life of me think of one. I cannot even begin to imagine what bizarre event inspired the twisted mind that invented these machines. The end of the Crystal Maze, perhaps? I don't know. I drove down Victoria Avenue yesterday afternoon. As you may guess, Victoria Avenue consists of two lines of trees, one on each side of a road. It is also a busy main road, a vital artery into and out of the throbbing hub of Crewe's town centre. A middle-aged man was busy using one on the area of pavement directly in front of his house. The area of pavement in front of his house was completely clear of leaves. It looked very neat. It looked even neater because of the contrast of the clear grey pavement with the two deep areas of russet-coloured leaves on either side and in the road in front. What's more, he looked as if he was going about his work in a slightly furtive manner; presumably he didn't want to be seen increasing his neighbours' leaf load. Of course, his satisfaction can only be guaranteed for the minute or so it takes for him to disappear through his front door when either a light breeze, natural or the product of a passing bicycle, or his neighbour wielding his own pointless tool, redistributes the decaying foliage. Square one.

I just don't understand why would anyone want to blow leaves around in the first place. Not only is it a spectacular waste of energy but when it comes to redistributing bits of nature, wind, in its myriad forms, is known more for its destructive lack of discrimination rather than its accuracy. Heaven forbid the tree on his property should deign to shed a few more leaves overnight or on the next breeze. What on earth's wrong with a sodding broom or a spring-tine rake? Then pick them up with two bits of cardboard and put them in the bin your council has just thoughtfully provided you for free, you lazy bastard. You deserve to have your council tax doubled. Having said that, our local council employs men to pointlessly blow things around so maybe that's not the most efficient use of funds.