A complete idiot's guide to the election. Part 1 of an occasional series.
This Week: The Parties.
The Conservative and Unionist Party
Idiots. Rich Idiots. Some not as rich as they could have been but they've resigned and won't be standing.
The Labour Party
Idiots. Like above but supposedly with a social conscience. Just don't mention the word "socialist".
The Liberal Democrats
They haven't quite decided if they're idiots or not. They'll let you know after the event.
The Green Party
Are they still going? Probably hippies.
The British National Party
Idiots with knives and dogs of indiscernible pedigree. No blacks or Irish unless Rangers supporters. Everyone welcome. Large hadron collider developed in order to detect presence of inter-cranial matter in party leadership. Large hadron collider currently broken, insufficient power.
The United Kingdom Independence Party.
As above but with a nice pair of slippers (from BHS) and a cardigan. And a shed and a compost heap. Dustbin always full after one week, knows editor of local paper's email address off by heart. Shouty.
Probably sectionable. Now Russian.
Glad to see the grand tradition of a political party having an ironic name hasn't died.
Official Monster Raving Loony Party.
Probably their best chance yet.
Who are you going to vote for?