A complete idiot's guide to the election. Part 1 of an occasional series.

It's election time and the race is on! Hurrah!! For the benefit of those of my readership hailing from the less important parts of the globe and also for those too young to have exercised their majorities in a previous one, I have compiled a brief guide to the runners and riders in this year's big race. There may be further editions of this guide as and when necessary. Or when I can be arsed.

This Week: The Parties.

The Conservative and Unionist Party

Idiots. Rich Idiots. Some not as rich as they could have been but they've resigned and won't be standing.

The Labour Party

Idiots. Like above but supposedly with a social conscience. Just don't mention the word "socialist".

The Liberal Democrats

They haven't quite decided if they're idiots or not. They'll let you know after the event.

The Green Party

Are they still going? Probably hippies.

The British National Party

Idiots with knives and dogs of indiscernible pedigree. No blacks or Irish unless Rangers supporters. Everyone welcome. Large hadron collider developed in order to detect presence of inter-cranial matter in party leadership. Large hadron collider currently broken, insufficient power.

The United Kingdom Independence Party.

As above but with a nice pair of slippers (from BHS) and a cardigan. And a shed and a compost heap. Dustbin always full after one week, knows editor of local paper's email address off by heart. Shouty.

Independent

Probably sectionable. Now Russian.

Respect

Glad to see the grand tradition of a political party having an ironic name hasn't died.

Official Monster Raving Loony Party.

Probably their best chance yet.

Who are you going to vote for?