Thursday, December 14, 2006

Arms

Probably the most bizarre headline from yesterday.

World's Tallest Man Saves Dolphin

He's a Mongolian herdsman. Bits of Mongolia are about as far from the sea as it's possible to be so I'm trying to imagine the conversation.

((ring))
Mongolian Herdsman: Hello, Gobi 351. Mongolian Herdsman here. Hang on, let me sit down, this is a small yurt.
Aquarium: Hello, Mongolian Herdsman, it's the aquarium.
MH: The what?
A: Aquarium. Where they keep fish.
MH: The river?
A: No, the Aquarium. We keep fish in glass tanks for people to look at.
MH: This is a joke, right?
A: No, no. It's for tourists to see what happens underwater. I'm kosher, honest.
MH: So what's this got to do with me? I'm a busy man, I've got herding to do. My yaks are restless.
A:We need your help. Two of our dolphins are sick.
MH: Dolphins?
A: Yes. They're like fish but they're not fish.
MH: You've lost me.
A:They're mammals, like er...like your yaks and almost as big. No legs. But they live in the sea, like fishes, and they do tricks.
MH: The sea? Tricks?
A: Like a big river but you can't see the banks if you stand in the middle. And er...they jump out of the water and take a fish out of someone's mouth. The kids love it.
MH: Sweet Jesus! Look, I'm trying to take this in. You've called me in from herding to tell me that your underwater jumping yaks are ill, right? Can't you just kill them and eat them?
A: No way! The press would have a field day. We're just getting it together after all the Tiananmen Square shit so we can't afford to ruin it. We've got the Olympics in a couple of years and the world and his wife'll be here.
MH: Are we on the same planet? Look, just tell me where I fit in to all this.
A: You've got the longest arms ever in the whole wide world, right?
MH: Yes, they are long, I can get them right round a yak's belly when we have yak wrestling on Saturday evenings. I'm the daddy, me.
A: We know. We need a favour.
MH: Fire away!
A: We'd like you to stick your arm down the dolphin's throat right into its stomach and pull some stuff out that shouldn't be there. We'll send a car round.
MH: (Clunk. Brrrr...)

8 Vegetable peelings:

Anonymous Sharon J said...

If only...

9:02 am  
Blogger Mark Gamon said...

Sensahumour intact, I see. That's a good sign.

I'm a bit behind the times here, but I left a comment on Sharon's blog that applies to you too. All it says is 'hang in there'. It's a cliche but time heals.

10:38 am  
Anonymous Richard said...

Thanks Mark. We'll get by.

12:15 pm  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

That's hardly a news story. Just now on Radio 5 they were interviewing the secretary of the "Britain and Ireland Tall People's Club" in reference to this story.
Apparently, he is sometimes asked to reach for items on the top shelf at the supermarket.
These orientals are always boasting, yet to the British these kind of activities are almost commonplace.

1:27 pm  
Blogger Geoff said...

We could do with him at Asda to get the caffeine-free Diet Coke.

1:42 pm  
Anonymous Sharon J said...

I could do with him to get my stuff down off the top of the bloody wardrobe!

2:50 pm  
Blogger Tennessee Jed said...

My dirty mind just can't help but wonder if the porn industry has called too. Just sayin' if he is a super sized human...you know that stuff sells for big money. Bound to pay better than yak keeping and dolphin gag gigs and feel pretty good too.

1:58 pm  
Anonymous Sharon J said...

Why don't you sign him up, Jed?

1:42 am  

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