Monday, July 21, 2008

I don't need no...

Sorry, I'm not about much at the moment but here's something to be going on with courtesy of my stats. I don't really like making sweeping generalisations but this really does sum up the priorities of wasted youth* in one neat question. What's more, I was top of the list. What the cretin made of my review of my friend's band's gig in Barton upon Humber, location of the world's worst hotel, a couple of years back, I don't know.

wot the age to get served for cigs in turkey

I can only hope that once he or she gets to Turkey and discovers the delights of their renowned tobacco products, they are put off for life

*I don't mean the early 80s goth band**

** Maybe I do.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


Gordon is having trouble with some Africans

Dearest Mr Gordon.

Please let me introduct myself. I am Mrs Davidson N'Jim, widow of Mr Davidson N'Jim, late 13th vice President of Bank of Republic in grat country of Negeria. I have been passed your name as a person of the highhest reputation from a buisness college of mine here in great city of Lagos. You have the best reputation for me to conduct our businis with.

8 years ago my Dearest husband and devotest chrstian Mr Davidson was killed in a plane crash of the Air France Concorde (flight AF 4590) nearby to Paris. Afeter his funeral I found a key to a safety deposit at the bank of Republic in grat City of Lagos. Inside is a letter from great President of Republic Yar Adua which says "Dearest Davidson, here is 3 billion barrolls of oil. All yours don't tell anyone but get rid of rebel armies in the delta and your sorted for life. Love, Mr Yar Adua, President."

I have this oil safely in a fleet of tankers in a secrit place. Mr Gordon Blair, if you can help me get rid of rebel armys in river Niger delta with yor contacts, I will give you 10% of oil. Promise, 100 % you have my word as window of 13th vice president of Bank of Republic. To faciliatate this business undertaking of the utmost secret and important, please send $4,500 to me Mrs Davidson N'Jim (Mr), terminal No 13, The Internet Cafe, High St, Lagos and I will buy ticket for Ryan Air.

Wishing you a very happy day Dearest Mr Gordon,

Mrs N'Jim.

Dear Mrs N'Jim,

Mrs Brown and I were very saddened to hear of your tragic loss and our sympathies go to your family.

My Government is extremely interested in your offer. Diesel costs a packet now and to be honest, if I can wing this one I'll get Clarkson off my case and I'll have nailed the next election. Where do I sign?



Monday, July 07, 2008

Good evening

I apologise wholeheartedly for not writing anything meaningful of late. On second thoughts (and before Vicus points this out), I apologise for not writing anything meaningful here ever. I still have no computer and I have to use the library and you only get an hour free there, most of which is spent "editing" my friend Christopher's latest book as they have a decent version of Word on their machines (the latest one bundled with Sharon's new Vista laptop is crap and re-defines backwards incompatibility, rendering anything written in Word 97 or even 2003 as unintelligible garbage, especially if the text contains certain True Type italic fonts which Microsoft, in their infinite wisdom, appear to render as completely different fonts).

Anyway, here's something to be going on with:

Photoshop Disasters